Death

Through out my travels I have been privileged to meet so many amazing people. I feel very blessed to meet these treasures, these hidden jewels that seem to be tucked away doing what they were made to do.

This morning as I woke up I read on facebook that one of these amazing people was shot and killed doing what he loved to do. He was a teacher and one of his very own students shot him and then turned the gun on himself and later died in the hospital.

When tragedy hits we automatically begin to ask questions. We want some answer. We want to make sense of our world that was just tossed in the air. We want to know it was all worth it.

It seems so unreal that one day your life can be one way and then in an instant every thing is changed for the rest of your life.

The impact on your life depends on how close your heart is to the tragedy. The closer it is, the more impact.

When my great grandmother passed away I wasn't sad, I never cried. She was old. She had cancer. It made sense.

When my friend in high school suddenly passed away in a car accident I was devastated. It changed the way I saw life and how I lived every day. I saw life as a gift and that every breath was a gift from God and I had so much to be thankful for.


When I think of this teacher that I met and as I read the comments of his students on his facebook wall, I just sit back and wonder. I didn't know him well. I would only see him once a week But what I do know about him and how he lived his life, I can only imagine that his death is having a HUGE impact. I know that he proclaimed to be a follower of Jesus, and not only with his mouth but by the way he lived his life.

That's the kind of life I want to live. Not just one of words. Any one can say what sounds nice. But I want to live my life in a way that when others SEE it, they glorify my Father in Heaven. That's the kind of life I want to live.

Battle

In this process of me being sick and seeing doctor after doctor I have become discouraged and had a sense of hopelessness after feeling like each doctor was just passing me on to the next doctor but no one was ever sticking with me to figure out the root cause.

No one was fighting for me.

My family has recently started going to a new chiropractor. But he is more then just cracking your back, he believes in the whole wellness of a person. After hearing about how great he is, I decided to make an appointment.

Today was my second time seeing him this week and going there gave me hope that we will get things figured out and get me to where I can live a healthy lifestyle.

When we were talking he had a strength in his voice and determination. He showed me what his tests found and stated a game plan. He said he was determined to get to the bottom of these issues and to help me get to where I wanted to go. He asked how far I was wanting and willing to go, that it would not be easy, but that he was willing to help.

I have always wanted to eat healthy, whole, natural foods and work out every day. I want my body to be in the best shape that it can be so that I am able to do all that I was created to do with out any physical hindrances that I was placing on it. But I have never been taught how to do that, I try to educate myself but even then it is limited in knowing how to put all that knowledge together.

So I am very happy now that there is some one fighting for me, fighting with me in this. I can not express how much that released me. For so long I felt like I was fighting this alone but I knew I was not a good fighter because I had no idea what I was doing.

Now I feel ready, Now I feel armed.

There is just something about some one coming along side of us a fighting with us.

We are in a battle. There are so many aspects to this battle, but there is a battle wither we realize it or not.

We were not meant to be in this battle alone.

When we look around and we don't see any one, it can be very discouraging. And I believe that explains a lot of my feelings these past few months.

Now to have this chiropractor say that he is in this battle with me, that he is going to keep fighting until we figure out answers and keep working on them, I have strength to keep going.

Amazing how one seemingly small, insignificant conversation can give you so much strength and encouragement.

I wonder, how many people around us feel alone in whatever battle they are going through right now, and I wonder if we are the ones to give strength and encouragement just by simply letting them know they are not alone.

The power of togetherness. The power of knowing we are not alone.

So much truth in knowing we are not alone in this battle.

Singles Group

Tonight I went to my first singles group meeting for church. It was actually a lot less awkward then I was anticipating and I met some really nice people.

After, me and my friend went out to eat really quick and as we ate we began to talk about being single.

I'm new to Atlanta, well new to Atlanta in this stage of my life. I did go to high school here but that seems like forever ago.

So as a twenty something, single, Christian, woman in Atlanta, how the heck am I suppose to meet some decent men that share the same beliefs as me. Now don't get me wrong. I am all about meeting new people, no matter what their beliefs are, and I actually prefer my friends not being all Christians...but I guess that is a whole other blog post all together.

Back to the main point.

I didn't marry my high school sweet heart, and I didn't get my MRS degree in college. Now I am an adult, trying to figure out life and what I want it to look like, I enjoy being single but I have always had the desire to be married.

now what? where do I go from here? I work from home, so that takes out meeting a man at work. I go to church, but there are a lot of families and not many singles. I go to singles small group, but they aren't really suppose to be for that but we all know that everyone, at least the majority has that in the back of their minds. I go to the gym, but I guess that times that I go there are only older men...like grandpa older man.

So when am I suppose to go to the gym? Is there a time when the majority of single, eligible bachelors go? But I'm not just after just any man. I need a man that shares the same beliefs and convictions as I do....

I have been learning from a guy friend who has challenged me to put my self out there more. So I try. I smile, I talk, I show interest. Is that enough?

There is a huge tension because I am enjoying being single. I have been able to do so many things and learn a lot about myself and really grow as an individual. Relationships are hard work. But at the same time I want that challenge. I want to enter into that stage of life because I have always desired to be a wife and one day a mother. (though I feel like I play the mother role so often that that part is satisfied in me at least for now)

As a follower of Jesus I am learning to trust Him with every thing and that includes relationships, and not just romantic ones, but friendships and family as well. That's tough. I also want to honor Him in my marriage. I believe marriage was meant to be this beautiful picture to those who do not know Him, to see Him in an earthly relationship and that it would point straight to Him. Is it going to be perfect? No. Is it always going to reflect Him? No. Is it going to be hard work? Yes. But my desire has always been to work on that relationship, for life mind you, and be able to show the world His love and heart through my marriage.

I don't want a fairy tale story, I know that doesn't exist. But there is something in our hearts that longs for that. Why? I believe it's because we are made for this beautiful, intimate relationship with our Creator Jesus. It is about knowing Him and being known by Him. There is a verse that says, If any one loves God he is known by Him. How wonderful is that? We were created to have this intimate relationship. One where we are known fully and fully know. As we live day by day in this relationship we begin to be more and more like the Creator and we begin to realize who He is and who we are because we are His. There is pain, and hardship, but like any great story, the Hero wins in the end! Think about it. Think about your favorite movie. There is something that has been planted deep with in our hearts and we can not escape it. We long for it.

I believe God has created marriage to be the closest picture to what He desires for our relationship to look like with Him.

It's beautiful.

And my desire is to be that picture. To work it out. To work out all the crap in relationships and all the hardships that come with it. To enjoy those moments of pure joy and happiness. To love and be loved.

I think that's what it comes down to.

The heart beat of every person that is living today.

Our heart longs to love and be loved.

My heart is no different.

Sometimes I tell the LORD it would be easier if He would just one day drop off my husband in front of me with a big red bow that has a tag that reads: TO:YOU, FROM: GOD, ENJOY!

Pretty sure He has another plan. One that includes patience and waiting. And as my desire grows, I think that it is actually a gift. Maybe. Couldn't it quit possibly be one? I hope so. I hope that in all of this waiting and longing and knowing my desire and it not being full filled and so I eagerly wait for it that much harder, that in all of this something is being worked in me. Something that is far more precious then a priceless jewel.

The fruit always tastes better when you have to first labor and sweat and wait and wait and water and wait some more, pull weeds and toil over the land.

Any thing we have to work for tastes so much better then free food, I think at least.

When I can enjoy the fruit of my labor, it is sweeter then the fresh honey off of a honey comb!

This is where my hope lies for a godly marriage relationship with my husband. All this labor, oh buddy....this marriage is bound to be rewarding! (note I did not say trouble free, or pain free)

New Lands That Are Old

A lot has happened since that last time I have written in here. I have decided to pick back up and write my thoughts. I have no idea who reads these or who will, but I welcome you to read and enjoy and maybe even be challenged and challenge me back if you so feel the desire to. I welcome it all.

For medical as well as financial reasons I have moved back in with my parents, definitely NOT the place where I thought the road was taking me... but here I am.

My body is not in good shape, and the doctors have no clue as to why. So as I wait for test results and more labs and more check ups, I spend most of these days in bed in a lot of pain. I have good days and I have bad days. When I have bad days they are really bad. I am not one to waste time or even just sit around doing nothing. So I figured if I can not go out and do things using my physical body because I'm in a lot of pain, I might as well use my brain.

So I am going to try and attempt to write my random thoughts and speeches that I have constantly in my head.

Here we go....

Through the eyes of a child

There are many lessons we can learn if we watch how children interact with the world around them.

There is a family in town that I love dearly. I enjoy my time with them, always. I don’t really know how to express how much I love them all, they truly are like family to me.

They have four little children, all unique in their own respects. I tell them I love them first thing when I open the door and the very last thing before I leave. There is this joy that spills out when I am with them and I want them to know that they are each deeply loved.

Now when I walk in the door they run to me, grab onto my legs and arms and tell me “I love you sooo much!” When I am about to leave they fight for hugs and tell me they love me too.

I was just struck with a thought. They only know what to say to me because I first told them. They repeat almost verbatim what I have told them, they are just saying it right back to me.

I then got this image of God looking down at me telling me, “I love you! I love you! I love you sooo much!!” and then me looking back up at Him and wanting to say exactly what He said and so I say, “I love You! I love You! I love You sooo much!”

This makes me remember what Jesus did. He only did what He saw His Father in heaven do and only said what He heard His Father say.

Constant connection with God.

This is how we should pray. This is prayer. Communication with God.

This is the really neat thing: God tells us to ask Him what His will is. We ask Him what His will is. He tells us what His will is. We ask Him for His will to be done. His will is done.

How amazing is God!How great to have this relationship with Him where we can come approach His throne with confidence.

Jehovah Jirah

God provides. Always. He has never let me down. He has never let me go hungry, I have never had to walk on the streets naked, I have never had to beg, I have always had everything I needed. I am very blessed.

As I look around, there are so many things to be thankful for so I would like to share some of those things.

All that I have ever needed, He has provided

Just in this past week these are things that I have needed (and some things I just wanted) that God has provided for me:

I needed a hat for work (I sleep in tents in the wilderness) so I needed one that covered my ears and is very warm. My neighbor came to me today and asked if I needed a hat because she made one that was too big for her sister. It is one that is very thick and has ear warmers.

Warm hat for work, check off the list.

I also needed two hand held radios for work. The other day someone asked me if I needed hand held radios because he didn’t need his anymore and so he gave me his.

Hand held radios for work, check.

This week I am not working one of my jobs where I usually get fed so I needed food. I did not have any money for food and I wasn’t really sure what I was going to do about food. I figured I had enough money to buy some beans to eat with the rest of my rice. I was ok with that. (beans and rice…yum!) I was on my way back from my parents house after Christmas and when I got to my house I opened my trunk and I saw that my family had stocked my whole trunk with food. I even now have ground beef which I never buy because it’s too expensive!!!

Food for the next few weeks, check.

My car that takes me to all three jobs needs new tires! They are seriously balding faster than an old man. Well my sister decided that four new tires sounded like a great Christmas gift to give to me.

New tires for my car, check.

Did I mention I have three jobs to help pay off student loans?

Student loans getting paid off (slowly but surely), check

My phone was dying and kept freezing on me and not wanting to work. My two year agreement just ended and I was able to get a better phone that works much better for my Christmas gift. (I was expecting to pay for this on my own)

Upgrade on a phone, check.

Today I was able to have coffee with an old friend and have good conversations. She paid for my coffee and she gave me a new book about something I have wanted to know more about. She also gave me a new worship cd that has really blessed me.

Good talks with an old friend, check

Free coffee, check

New book, check

New cd, check

Like I said, some of these things I did not have to have and I know that but I am very thankful for them! The Lord really does provide for everything we need and even more then we could ever ask or imagine!

He is a good Father who ALWAYS provides! This is just in the past few days that these things were provided for, and I know that I could have this big of a list or even greater every week. He is always taking care of His children.

Love

One mention of this word and many things may have popped into your head: pictures, names, examples, good and bad probably came up in an instant. Through all my travels I have realized that this one word seems to be always talked about.

I would get in a taxi or walk around in the open market and almost every song I heard had to do with this one word “love”. Turn on the radio and what is every one singing about? What is almost every movie about? What does everyone have in common around the world? They want to love and be loved.

I feel this is a deep longing, one that has been placed inside each and every one of us no matter what part of the world you are from. We long to be loved and to love another person. I can look at my own life and read old journals and see that this longing for love is a constant theme. When I was teaching I would talk to students all the time about love.

There is always a desire to love. There is always a desire to be loved in return.

But what do you mean when you say love? As a communication major I learned that language is arbitrary and therefore I want to be clear about what I think the word love means.

Do I believe love is a warm fuzzy feeling? Yes and no. I believe that when you are in love with someone those feelings are warm and fuzzy and you would do anything for that person. Nothing else in the world matters, not even the essentials like eating and drinking are a real necessity because you are in love and you forget about those things. But is that really all that love is? Oh thank goodness no!

I like to watch and talk to old people. They are very wise. They have gone through a heck of a lot more life then I have and so common sense tells me to listen to them. Every single one of them has told me time and time again that love is not just a feeling. When you are married you have to make the conscience effort to choose to love every day. Love is a choice. You are not always going to like the person you married. They will get on your nerves and things may upset you about them and those quirks you thought were cute when you were dating will become annoying when you get married. BUT you choose to love that person always, no matter what.

This is what makes me sad in the world today, when I see people choosing NOT to love and to just give up and leave. It’s also sad to see how movies and music have really corrupted and disfigured this beautiful thing called love. Hollywood has it all wrong.

The wise old people tell me it’s a choice. It’s laying down yourself and your rights for the other person. Love is about serving the other person. It’s not what you can get out of the relationship but what can you give? There is no room for selfishness in love.

Scripture is clear about this in the famous “love chapter” (1 Corinthians 13) I think this is one of the most beautiful descriptions of love. It says, “Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails…” then it ends the chapter by saying, “And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.”

These are things that do not come naturally to us. We have to work towards this goal in our marriages, in our friendships, in our families and even with strangers. For our whole lives we have to work at this and it’s not going to be easy. But I believe it is worth it.

God is love. Oh how beautiful He is. He is the great example that we should look to in order to see what real love looks like. What did He do? How did He love?

It is only with His help that we can truly love one another. It is only He who can teach us how to love in our relationships.